A new report now says that the ‘Mozart Effect’ is a fraud. Contrary to earlier claims, playing Mozart for your baby will not improve his IQ or help her get into a top college. (Of course, we’re all better off from listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it.) However, research on other composers’ effect on child development has revealed the following:
LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.
BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.
WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.
MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams at great length and volume that he’s dying.
SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he’s used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.
BABBITT EFFECT: Child gibbers nonsense. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child doesn’t care because all his playmates think he’s cool.
IVES EFFECT: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
GLASS EFFECT: Child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.
BRAHMS EFFECT: the child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12, etc). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.
CAGE EFFECT: child says nothing for 4 minutes, 33 seconds; preferred by 9 out of 10 classroom teachers!
STRAVINSKY EFFECT: Child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.
SARGENT EFFECT: Child will crave chocolate milk, Dove’s dark chocolate bars and chocolatines.